Successful Marriages Don't Just Happen

Who knew that when you have only been married a few years and your children are small that you are completely expected to be the most miserable you will ever be in your marriage? Nope, you're not selfish beyond reason and your spouse is not the biggest jerk to grace the planet. This phenomenon is as predictable as the tides. Crazy, right? I know, nobody told me either!

Here's the thing, while reading a book about marriage last semester, I learned that all marriages go through 3 stages. 1) Romantic Love, 2) Disillusionment and Distraction, and 3) Dissolution; adjustment with resignation; or adjustment with contentment. Let's break this down. 

Number one is the famous "honeymoon phase". You are in such a state of euphoria that you can't imagine that two people have ever been in more in love than you and your soul mate. You've both basically convinced yourselves that you have surpassed the love of Wesley and Buttercup from The Princess Bride. I hate to break it to you, but most people think you're intolerable. But, it doesn't matter, does it? You have each other and that's all you need. *sigh*

(Honeymooners, bookmark this page before you leave - you'll be back!)

The second phase is when you realize that your knight in shining armor has the tenderness of a  neanderthal in the bedroom or that your delicate flower has become an insufferable nag. I call this phase the "Seriously, who does that?!" or the "What was I thinking?" phase as these are the daily mantras of this special time. If not navigated intentionally with a lot of love, empathy, prayer and (let's face it) maybe some counseling, This phase can honestly last for yeeeeears! This phase is marked, not only by a lot of bickering (or silence) but can morph into the famous "roommate syndrome". He comes home and plops in front of the TV until it's time for bed and she Facebooks until her eyes and fingers bleed. There's only one hope for this seemingly eternal phase. Moving to phase three.

The third phase is basically what you make it. There are three choices: leave; stay and deal with it; or stay and find joy in it. The beginning of this stage is defined by a question, "Should I Stay or Should I Go"? (All due credit is given to The Clash for this sticky little ditty which will likely replay unrelentingly in my mind for the rest of the semester). This question can be asked as many times as the song plays in your head, of course. However, it's when you give your final answer that you finally move into phase three. We'll discuss the pros and cons of these decisions in another post. For now, just know that getting unstuck from phase two is the goal.

This is exactly what I mean. See how patiently she watches as he cuts that cucumber all wrong?

No need to point it out. I'm just sayin'.

That's what this blog is all about. The ups the downs and the sidewinders of marriage and family life, and how to navigate them without losing your mind. Although let's be honest, there will be days you will feel you are losing your mind, or at least you may say to someone shorter than you, "Have you lost your mind?!"

To wrap this up, let's look at some things a couple can do to protect and nurture a strong and enjoyable marriage relationship.

President Spenser W. Kimball, former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, "Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion, and while every young man and young woman will seek with diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

So, how do you create a successful marriage; one that you find joy in and makes you want to stay? Here are some foundational principals for you to ponder.

1. Personal commitment to the marriage covenant. There's been a lot of research done on families and there have been two major findings as to why people stay together. They either stay out of "constraint" (financial dependency, children, etc.) or "personal dedication" (intentional decision and desire to stay). I bet you think I'm going to say "personal dedication" is stronger. Well, not always, while either motivation will work independently to a certain extent, research shows the most powerful glue is when you have both. (i.e. you desire to make the marriage work, and you have kids together).

2. Love and friendship. Here's something you may have heard, thought, or even said. "I love you, but I just don't like you right now". Married couples need to be in love and in friendship. Take the time to really understand each other. Learn your spouse's needs and love language. Talk as friends, respond positively to your spouse when they reach out to you and set goals to spend time together. Date nights are tremendously helpful in building a deep friendship that keeps the spark of love alive. Don't know where to start? Try giving compliments that are specific and unique to your spouse. Here are some examples: "I love spending time with you because your twisted sense of humor makes me laugh.", "You make me so proud when you make comments in class. You are really insightful and articulate.", "I love your laugh, it makes my whole day".

**Pro-tip for the guys. Saying "You're beautiful" is important for a woman to hear from you. But it is equally important that she gets compliments that have nothing to do with her looks. She wants to be loved for what's inside her, not just that she is pleasing to look at. It may be counter-intuitive, but telling a woman she is beautiful too often can backfire in the intimacy area. Never allow your wife to think that your feelings for her are shallow or superficial. Dig a little deeper and you may see it paying dividends.

**Pro-tip for ladies. Tell your husband what he's doing right and he will do it more often. You want him to stop helping with the housework? Tell him he's doing it wrong or that it's no big deal because you do ten times more than he does in a day. He wants to help you and make you happy and he will look for the best ways to do it. If making the money is all you appreciate, that's all he will do. 

3. Be equal partners in this lifetime gig together. This doesn't mean you necessarily divide household chores right down the middle. This means honoring each other's strengths and weaknesses. Having each other's back and working as a team toward a common goal. Appreciate each other, even with our imperfections. Understand each others' shortcomings so that you can find them adorable or worthy of your loving assistance rather than an aggravation.

If you do these things, you will find your soul-mate. Imperfect, needy, adorable, a blessing, and standing right before your eyes. 

So, as you think about what phase of life you're in, get your head around what is needed for you to make the next transition to the best and happiest married life you can have together with your spouse. Choose each other every day. Give selflessly to your spouse even if you are not getting selflessness in return. Chances are your spouse will need to be patient with you sometimes too. You will have more self-respect in the present and you could affect a very joyful future together.

What is your spouse's greatest strength? What do you love about him/her? What is one battle you can let go of, today? Share your experiences so we can all learn and be edified together.

All my best wishes for a beautiful and happy family life!

Gottman, J. M. (2015). Principia amoris: the new science of love. New York, NY: Routledge.
Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation                  Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-18?lang=eng