Mom, Dad, We Need To Talk

Well, I'm just going to say it. Men and women are different. We are anatomically, biologically, emotionally, socially, intellectually and spiritually different. And do you know what? That's a good thing. No, it's a great thing! I know it's not very popular in modern first world countries to acknowledge that women are better at some things and men are better at others, especially in regards to parenting. Equality has been made synonymous with sameness but it's just not, and I am so glad it isn't!


In studies conducted with parents of both genders, scientists have routinely found that the natural nurturer is unequivocally the mother. While fathers can also be nurturing, women are very different in their complex and subtle abilities to tune into their children. Neuropsychologists have discovered that mothers have a unique gift when it comes to their ability to help a developing baby's brain. Mothers are like skilled piano tuners who can hear subtle changes without the assistance of a tuning instrument. Mothers can literally sense minute changes in their child's emotions and needs and make nearly imperceptible adjustments to their interactions. The mother's endowment allows for the healthy cognitive and emotional development of children.

In my family, I can see this nearly every day. While my husband is a very loving man, he does not have the endowment of being as finely tuned into our children's needs in the same way that I am. Does this make me better than him? Not at all.

Here's where we take a moment to honor the dads. Yay, dads!

While scientists have found mothers to be nurtures and caretakers extraordinaire, they have found that the role of fathers is just as crucial to a child's healthy development. Here's some scientific evidence that fathers need applauding too. Good dads have preschool-aged children who have more empathy, self-control and yep, they're smarter. When dads are actively involved with their older kids, these kids act out less and are more emotionally stable. They are also more social and have fewer problems at school.

Fathers interact with their children differently than mothers and help children develop different parts of their brains. Through play like "roughhousing" children learn limits, respect, quick thinking and problem-solving. They also learn trust. This makes for some pretty decent kid qualities, not to mention translating into adulting later on.

All of these factors played out one day when my son was very young. He was probably only a couple years old and my husband was still a pretty new dad. They were roughhousing and playing together and having a great time. I saw a small problem though, my husband always "won". This meant my son always ended up tied up in knots or pinned down to the floor. The play was good for both of them but my mothering instincts were acutely tuned into how my son was feeling. I told my husband, you know, if you don't let him win once in a while, he'll get frustrated and won't enjoy playing with you anymore. At that moment, my son was benefitting from having two parents, equally yoked with different roles. He got the mental stimulation, as well as the understanding he needed, to have a perfectly balanced fun-filled growing experience.

A word of caution. The world has beaten women down for wanting to stay home and raise their children well. It has also sent a message to men that they are useless at home and fathering is irrelevant. Both messages are intended to minimize the importance of raising children and emphasize the glamour and allure of finding fulfillment somewhere other than your sacred home. This, you likely know. However, I would encourage each husband and wife to be intentional in honoring and building up your spouses in your sacred roles, because the world will not do it.

Men: never say things, or allow your wives to say things, like "stay at home moms don't work". It's degrading and just plain wrong. Never come home and look disappointed at an unkempt house or a late meal. Child-rearing is exhausting and emotionally taxing. Homemaking is secondary to well-tended children and an emotionally stable wife. And, I promise she has already beaten herself up about her failings. She doesn't need your help in that area. Never make her feel that you don't value what she does even if she doesn't do it as well as your mom did. Never make her feel that the money you earn is of more worth than what she is creating. If you don't value the sacrifices she made with her body, her time and her self esteem in a cruel world who only cares if she looks young and fit, nobody will.

Women: support your husbands as fathers. Remind them how important they are to your children. Encourage and praise them for playing and working with their children. Appreciate the efforts they make to teach and guide your family. Boost their self-confidence to be the spiritual leaders they are called to be. Ask their opinions, get their advice, TAKE their advice, get blessings often, pray for them and pray with them. Many men are intimidated by the naturally spiritual nature of women and would prefer to delegate the spiritual leadership to them. Support their patriarchal call and give them opportunities to succeed.

How do you support your spouse in their divine role? Comment below and tell me how you build each other up to be the best parents you can be?

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation 
                Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.

Parenting Styles and Nurture vs. Nature.

As an idealistic youth, I watched as parents made the most obvious of parenting mistakes. I then judgmentally decided what I would never let my children get away with. I knew that children needed limits and to hear the word no. I knew that I shouldn't give my children everything they wanted because it would spoil them. I knew that children should never talk back or be given in to when behaving poorly. I knew parents should control their children and never allow the reverse. Of course, I would allow them to choose their own sports, musical instruments, spouses and careers. But, what else was there that I wouldn't know better than they did?

One day I was driving with my uncle to go visit my nieces. He told me the most frightening thing I had ever heard up to that point. He said, "Kids come to you with their personalities already intact. They aren't yours, they are God's." I had never once considered that I couldn't mold, control and determine the eternal destiny of each of my future children.

After that, I had decided that the best I could do was teach them good habits and manners and hope that I didn't do anything to really mess them up. As I learned more about parenting, I realized it was a bit more complicated than that. You know, nature versus nurture and all that. So, how much influence do we really have as parents? As it turns out, quite a bit.

Research done on children with a moderate genetic predisposition to mental illness showed that home environments can play a crucial role in whether or not the mental illness is manifested. One study followed adopted children who had a schizophrenic parent. Schizophrenia appeared as genetically expected but only in children who were adopted into dysfunctional families. Children who were adopted into functional families were less likely to develop the illness.

So, does that mean that if you have a child with mental illness it's your fault? Not necessarily. Remember good science uncovers far more questions than it ever answers. The point is that we need to create the best environment for our children's growth and development as we can humanly and reasonably manage. While children do come from God with eons of practice developing their precious personalities, how they fair in this life isn't all predetermined destiny. You do have some influence.

So, what's the key to good parenting? Well, there are several, balance, creativity, patience, etc. And, there are several parenting techniques you can adopt. But, the most effective strategy overall is to have the right general parenting style.

There are 3 main styles that parents tend to fall into, permissive, authoritarian and authoritative. Let's look at each.

Permissive parents are the easy-going type who don't really get too involved in the actual rearing of their children. They love their children a lot but they have no real expectations for them. They allow their children to be free spirits and don't do much disciplining or teaching.

The natural outcome of this type of parenting is children who are aren't skilled at regulating their emotions or behaviors. They don't have the safety of knowing what appropriate boundaries are and they suffer with poor social skills and low achievement.

Authoritarians are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They have difficulty showing love and concern for their children's feelings but have very high expectations for achievement and/or behavior. This is the "my way or the highway" parent.

The saddest part about raising children with an authoritarian style is that the results are short term compliance that appears to work in the moment. Therefore, the practice is validated in the mind of the parent. However, the child learns to fear and avoid the authoritarian parent. They will usually rebel and occasionally retaliate. This will inevitably lead to a child who leaves home and never looks back.

Another problem arises with this style when it lacks structure. There may be some "house rules" but often these parents have a "you should have known better" attitude. Children learn they cannot trust a parent who tends to fly off the handle or impose strict punishments when no rule or expectation was given beforehand. In my opinion, this can cause children to have low self-esteem and even anxiety because they never know when they will set off the offending parent. They may turn out to be miserable over-achievers who spend their lives trying to earn their parent's approval (even after death) or underachievers who feel that they will never be able to please anyone.

Here's where we want to be. Authoritative parents have a deep love and high, but reasonable, expectations for their children. They listen with compassion and do their best to be fair. They also hold their children accountable for broken rules. This doesn't mean they are helicopter parents, though. Authoritative parents understand that children need a certain amount of responsibility and autonomy in order to truly grow in healthy ways.

This style of parenting allows trust to flow. Children understand that breaking rules have consequences but they also know that they will be listened to when things go wrong. Love and guidance are the hallmarks of healthy child development far more than discipline and conformity or wild abandon. Autonomy also allows children to feel their parents trust them and they, in turn, learn to trust themselves.

So, now that you have put yourself in a category (and, if you're like me, thoroughly judged yourself for your failures) it's time for some good news. Though most of us have permissive or authoritarian tendencies, if you care enough to be reading this, chances are you are authoritative much of the time already. You love your kids and want them to succeed in life, but maybe you feel the need to tweak some things.

With clear definitions in mind, you can decide if you need to learn to listen better before exacting punishments or make a short and manageable list of house rules with appropriate consequences. 

I'll admit I tend to lean toward permissive. I love my children, I listen to their problems and try to help them as much as possible. I have expectations of them and they have expectations of themselves. But, I have to admit, I hate asking them to clean anything. 

Am I right?

 Maybe I need to start my list of house rules by banning eye-rolling. What do you think would be an appropriate consequence for that? Maybe scrub the ceilings since they are looking that direction anyway. What can I say? The joys of raising teenagers.

So, are you authoritative, permissive or authoritarian and how do you know? Comment below and share your best parenting advice.

Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. Good luck out there!

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation 
                Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.