Growing Old Together, Gracefully

What do you think about when you hear the words "retirement" or "empty nest"? If you're like most young people, you probably haven't given it much thought up until now. It seems so far away, and with a family to raise, who has time to worry about it? But let's take a moment, though, shall we?

For young people with children, an empty nest or retirement may seem like a long-awaited reward for a life well-lived. I hope this is true for all of us, but like most things, it has to be intentional to work out the way we hope. Of course, staying physically fit and healthy as well as preparing financially for later years is important for full enjoyment. (By the way, did you know that Social Security only provides enough to allow you to live merely a few dollars above the poverty line? Scary but true.) There are a lot of things worthy of consideration and planning before the end of the working family phase is done. But, aside from the practical aspects, other aspects need to be planned for as well.


After decades of having her life revolve around her children, empty nesting is hardest on the woman. The desire to nurture doesn't disappear just because she's sent all her children out into the world. Depression and feelings of worthlessness can easily set in.

Serving her husband or neighbors is just not the same as nurturing a child into adulthood. She could try, but adults are a bit more likely to resent a woman reminding them to eat their vegetables and put on a coat.

Similarly, when a man stops going to work every day to provide for the family, his sense of self-worth can really take a hit. He is likely very proud of the work he has done in all those previous years. He has just as likely invested much of his identity into being a good husband and father based on his work identity. What defines him now?

Occasionally, life-changing events will occur before her children are gone and before he cracks one last groan-worthy joke at his retirement party. These need equal attention, regardless of when they may occur. 

The middle-aged couple may find themselves caring for elderly parents while they still have children of their own at home. They may begin losing peers to premature death. It's not just sad to lose friends, but a person's own mortality becomes very real and very scary when those their age pass away. Declining health is another trial that nearly all adults will face at some point. With increasing healthcare costs, it's wise to have some money set aside for all those medications you'll likely need.

So, it isn't all that hard to imagine why depression after life-altering events is not uncommon. Fortunately, this type of melancholy is usually temporary as aging adults adjust to a new normal. But, just because something is common, doesn't mean that the degree of the effects can't be mitigated.

It is often recommended that both men and women retire to something rather than just from something. Having something to look forward to can be very helpful in maintaining a feeling of usefulness and fulfillment.

Learning at a young age how to find joy in hobbies, talents, and service outside of your family will help things feel normal when family life changes. It can ground you and give you joy during difficult transitions.

I love that, through His church, a loving Savior has provided means for all of God's children to make important contributions to the building of the kingdom. Even when the world would tell them that they've outlived their usefulness or that their views are out of date and old-fashioned, aging adults can find meaning and purpose in the kingdom. There's temple service, family history, missionary work and many other opportunities to serve.


These can be life-saving activities for many aging adults, but as mentioned before, it is equally important that this phase in life also honors their hobbies and playful side.

Retirees should also continue or resume dating with a new focus on their relationship. One that emphasizes each other rather than the kids. A re-focusing of family life to a couple life can be exhilarating for some, but if your marriage has been wrought with unresolved conflict, it can be downright frustrating. This is something that many new retirees neglect to plan for; all the time they will have together - alone. It's kind of important that you like each other quite a lot. The time has come to let go of past hurts and forge onward with new goals, a new outlook on life and a reinvigorated sense of unity.

My husband once asked me if I was planning on having a career after college. I said, "Yes, in some way, shape or form. I'd like that." He then teasingly asked me what would happen if the grandkids wanted to visit. I told him they would have to call first because I had no intention of sitting in a rocking chair waiting for my kids to show up a couple times a year! Though a playful exchange, I realized at that moment that we would need to discuss our individual visions of empty-nester life and make sure we are both happy with what we decide this new phase of life should be like. No matter what my individual dreams are, I have to consider, compromise, and make them work with the one man whom I have chosen to take this life's journey.

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation                  Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.