Mom, Dad, We Need To Talk

Well, I'm just going to say it. Men and women are different. We are anatomically, biologically, emotionally, socially, intellectually and spiritually different. And do you know what? That's a good thing. No, it's a great thing! I know it's not very popular in modern first world countries to acknowledge that women are better at some things and men are better at others, especially in regards to parenting. Equality has been made synonymous with sameness but it's just not, and I am so glad it isn't!


In studies conducted with parents of both genders, scientists have routinely found that the natural nurturer is unequivocally the mother. While fathers can also be nurturing, women are very different in their complex and subtle abilities to tune into their children. Neuropsychologists have discovered that mothers have a unique gift when it comes to their ability to help a developing baby's brain. Mothers are like skilled piano tuners who can hear subtle changes without the assistance of a tuning instrument. Mothers can literally sense minute changes in their child's emotions and needs and make nearly imperceptible adjustments to their interactions. The mother's endowment allows for the healthy cognitive and emotional development of children.

In my family, I can see this nearly every day. While my husband is a very loving man, he does not have the endowment of being as finely tuned into our children's needs in the same way that I am. Does this make me better than him? Not at all.

Here's where we take a moment to honor the dads. Yay, dads!

While scientists have found mothers to be nurtures and caretakers extraordinaire, they have found that the role of fathers is just as crucial to a child's healthy development. Here's some scientific evidence that fathers need applauding too. Good dads have preschool-aged children who have more empathy, self-control and yep, they're smarter. When dads are actively involved with their older kids, these kids act out less and are more emotionally stable. They are also more social and have fewer problems at school.

Fathers interact with their children differently than mothers and help children develop different parts of their brains. Through play like "roughhousing" children learn limits, respect, quick thinking and problem-solving. They also learn trust. This makes for some pretty decent kid qualities, not to mention translating into adulting later on.

All of these factors played out one day when my son was very young. He was probably only a couple years old and my husband was still a pretty new dad. They were roughhousing and playing together and having a great time. I saw a small problem though, my husband always "won". This meant my son always ended up tied up in knots or pinned down to the floor. The play was good for both of them but my mothering instincts were acutely tuned into how my son was feeling. I told my husband, you know, if you don't let him win once in a while, he'll get frustrated and won't enjoy playing with you anymore. At that moment, my son was benefitting from having two parents, equally yoked with different roles. He got the mental stimulation, as well as the understanding he needed, to have a perfectly balanced fun-filled growing experience.

A word of caution. The world has beaten women down for wanting to stay home and raise their children well. It has also sent a message to men that they are useless at home and fathering is irrelevant. Both messages are intended to minimize the importance of raising children and emphasize the glamour and allure of finding fulfillment somewhere other than your sacred home. This, you likely know. However, I would encourage each husband and wife to be intentional in honoring and building up your spouses in your sacred roles, because the world will not do it.

Men: never say things, or allow your wives to say things, like "stay at home moms don't work". It's degrading and just plain wrong. Never come home and look disappointed at an unkempt house or a late meal. Child-rearing is exhausting and emotionally taxing. Homemaking is secondary to well-tended children and an emotionally stable wife. And, I promise she has already beaten herself up about her failings. She doesn't need your help in that area. Never make her feel that you don't value what she does even if she doesn't do it as well as your mom did. Never make her feel that the money you earn is of more worth than what she is creating. If you don't value the sacrifices she made with her body, her time and her self esteem in a cruel world who only cares if she looks young and fit, nobody will.

Women: support your husbands as fathers. Remind them how important they are to your children. Encourage and praise them for playing and working with their children. Appreciate the efforts they make to teach and guide your family. Boost their self-confidence to be the spiritual leaders they are called to be. Ask their opinions, get their advice, TAKE their advice, get blessings often, pray for them and pray with them. Many men are intimidated by the naturally spiritual nature of women and would prefer to delegate the spiritual leadership to them. Support their patriarchal call and give them opportunities to succeed.

How do you support your spouse in their divine role? Comment below and tell me how you build each other up to be the best parents you can be?

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation 
                Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.