The old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" implies that what others' have appears to be better than what you have. In terms of marriage, this may mean that someone may think that they could have been happy if only they had married someone else.
So, let's talk lawns, metaphorically. In order to sell a house, some people literally spray paint their lawn green to make the house appear more attractive. The lawn could also be entirely fake synthetic grass, like what's used on football fields. But, in fairness, the lawn could also very well be greener.
What does all this turf talk have to do with marriage? Well, let's consider the painted grass. This could represent a false image that others are having an easier time in marriage than you are having. Fake grass may represent someone you are attracted to who doesn't seem to have major flaws like spouses you know. Since you don't really know what is going on behind closed doors and you don't really know what a person is like if you haven't lived with him/her for a few years, you shouldn't allow yourself to be fooled by fake or painted grass.
But, what if the grass really is greener? Think for a moment what that means. It means that the homeowners know a little something about growing green grass. They've learned about it, worked at it, pulled the weeds, aerated and fertilized when needed. Who knows, they may even have hired a professional from time to time. The point is, all grass has the potential for greenness if both parties learn a little something about grass and work hard to make it that way. If you don't learn how to tend grass, you're just going to destroy grass everywhere you go.
In my own marriage, my husband and I took the typical route. We went through the standard stages I discussed in a previous post, "Successful marriages don't just happen". We basked in the glory days of honeymoon-ism, stumbled through the "What was I thinking?" phase, and now after 21 years, we've finally reached marital bliss. We no longer have loud arguments, or disagree about anything really. We've learned to always be respectful of one another and listen intently with empathy and understanding. We've tackled every major obstacle together, and those obstacles have always brought us closer together. We've found our groove and life is good every single day. Also, this is total baloney! You bought it though, didn't you? Well, it's tempting to hope for a time when marriage is easy and friction-free, and maybe we'll get to glimpse something like it before we die. But, I'm not holding my breath. The point is, it takes a lot of time and work to create marriages that bring real lasting joy. But, don't fool yourself into thinking that lasting joy is completely free of irritations. Lasting joy means deep love, loyalty, and commitment despite the irritations. Like my grandpa used to say, "If a married couple ain't arguing, somebody's takin' a lot of crap off someone else." I think what he meant was that if a couple seems content all the time, someone is probably getting walked on, therefore it's not a measure of marital success.
Look, deciding to stick it out and accept that there are some things that just won't change in this life-time takes a tremendous leap of faith. As a married couple, your job is not to fix the things about your spouse that bother you. While some fixing may be necessary, it's really about fine-tuning your patience and deepening your love and admiration for the good things about your beloved so that the little irritations become irrelevant to how you feel about him/her.
Marriage can be a grand journey with many lovely vistas and interesting side roads if your perspective is right. But, how can you appreciate a sunset on the summit if you won't stop dwelling on the mud in the ravine? (Sometimes I think I should write Hallmark greeting cards).
I know that there are times when ending a marriage is necessary. This isn't what I'm talking about. I'm saying that too often it's not as necessary as it seems. When family, friends and even marriage therapists are telling you to walk away, they are often just trying to end their pain, not yours. They care about you and want you to be happy right now. But, the statistics are overwhelmingly conclusive. The chance that you will be happier if you stick it out through the tough times is manyfold more than if you call it quits.
I can't begin to imagine my life if I had ended my marriage when things got tough, and boy were there some tough times. If you are wondering if it will ever get better, stop wondering and do something about it. Do whatever it takes to learn how to care for your marriage. Read books, take classes, pray like you've never prayed before, forgive like you've never forgiven before, apologize like you have never apologized before. I promise it's worth every effort, every penny spent, every other opportunity missed. Make your marriage your top priority and your marriage will carry you through all the others.
Our lawn still has some brown spots; literally and metaphorically. At least metaphorically, the brown spots are becoming fewer and fewer as dedicated work on them is lovingly maintained. We are climbing the vistas together and the view is magnificent!
How do you keep your marriage a priority? What is it that makes your marriage special or especially resilient? What have you learned that has changed the direction of your struggling marriage?
Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.
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