Prayer and Forgiveness in Marriage

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are commanded to pray. We are to pray in the morning, in the evening, alone in our closets, in our "fields" (work?), in our families, in our marriages, in the temple, in church, before we read our scriptures, to begin and end meetings, pray for our enemies, and keep a prayer in our hearts always. Even a song in Christ's name is a prayer unto Him. Whew! That's a lot of praying! The only prayer that seems to come naturally for my family is praying over the food, which I don't know was ever officially commanded. But hey, whatever gets us praying! 

I remember kneeling across the altar from my soon to be husband and having the sealer counsel us to pray as a couple every day. This, I understand, is a pretty common counsel given to newlyweds. Why? Because the trials are coming and God is the glue that holds the marriage together when we become weary and weak. 

Prayer does a number of things for a marriage. First and foremost, it sanctifies your union and allows God to bless and preserve it. It creates a sense of holiness within the individuals in that union that has been shown to reduce infidelity and divorce. Second, it helps to bind a couple to cooperative goals and keeps them working together down the same path with guidance and inspiration from God. Finally, it promotes humility and facilitates forgiveness and healing.

In all the praying you're doing, don't neglect daily couple prayer. Prayer creates a healthy and vital relationship with protective and curative properties. It's your marital leafy greens!

Now that we've sung the praises of the wonderful blessings of couple prayer, let's switch gears and address the hard stuff. 

There will be times when your spouse is insensitive, selfish, hurtful or just plain mean. How do you know this will happen? Because, sometimes you're insensitive, selfish, hurtful and mean, and you're a good person! Still, you know you should shake it off and go have your nightly couple prayer, but you just don't feel like bonding with that so-and-so, who is mumbling some nonsense about it being all your fault, in the other room.

Well, far be it from me to assume I know what's going on with you two crazy kids, but here are some useful steps to help you move through the emotions so you can get to a place of forgiveness according to science. 

Step 1. Recall the hurt. O.k., I know this seems like a strange way to start. But, some people really do skip this. In a misguided attempt to be Christ-like, or to avoid the pain or embarrassment of acknowledging wrongdoing, some people will default to brushing off a painful incident as though there was no offense. This is extremely unhealthy and doesn't honor your self-worth. In order to forgive, you have to acknowledge that something inappropriate happened.

Step 2. Empathize. This step is not to be confused with making excuses for the wrongdoer. This is a common mistake for those who like to skip Step 1. Excuses promote abuses. (Yep, I made that up just now. Too bad memes don't pay). So, in other words, making excuses is saying, it's ok that you did the wrong thing because you had a good reason. Empathy, on the other hand, is simply saying I understand why you hurt me.

To properly empathize, we try to understand and feel the wrongdoer's feelings and reasonings. We try to understand where they are coming from and whether the wrongdoing was intentional or as egregious in their minds as it is in ours. We attempt to get on the same page about the intention and inappropriateness of what occurred.

Step 3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness. This selfless act releases you and your offender from any obligation to rehash the offense. It is given out of love and caring for the other (or the Savior, if that's all you've got right now) with the benefit of allowing you the space to move on and heal.

Step 4. Commit publically to forgive. While this seems extreme in the case of a little lover's quarrel, it's highly useful in more damaging acts of victimization, so I've included it as a point of interest. Still, it can be useful in the healing process if done semi-publically. Committing to your spouse that you have forgiven the offense may be enough. However, a stronger commitment may come by telling a therapist or bishop. You may even find a little private resolution by writing your commitment in your journal or in a letter you never intend to send. Do whatever seems appropriate to the situation.

Step 5. Hold on to forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't always replace the pain of being wronged. The memories and trauma of an injury can resurface from time to time. It's good to remember that just because you haven't forgotten the pain, doesn't mean you didn't really forgive. This goes for repentance as well. Use the memories of the experience as an opportunity to reinforce the fact that you have already forgiven and let the incident go. This will give you strength when you will likely need to forgive again.

The next obvious question is, what do you do when your spouse is a repeat offender? The honest answer is. . . I don't know. I'm only a sophomore and we haven't covered that yet. But, I suppose you should have lots of conversations with "I statements". For example, 'I feel unimportant to you when you don't. . .', or 'I felt stupid when you mentioned. . . to my family', and so on.

I do think clear boundaries are important. You can't even attempt step one of the forgiveness process until you know what boundary was crossed. Maybe that's another reason some people skip step one. They don't even know what their boundaries are. Clear boundaries and expectations allow others to know the best ways to show their love for you. Give them this gift.

Speaking of gifts. . .

As the semester comes to a close, my thoughts are turned to the upcoming Christmas season! I hope that in all of your fabulous family festivities you set some time aside to nurture the most important relationship in your life.

What are some definite boundaries for you? What boundaries are regularly being crossed because, now that you think about it, you've never said, "Hey, that's a boundary. Don't cross it."? 

Has couple prayer blessed your marriage in some magnificent way that you'd love to share?

Also, if you have any brilliant ideas about repeat offenders, I'd love to hear those too! 

(I have teenagers.)

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: 
                Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies.